I look at my crying son. He’s around 2.5. We are sitting at the door getting ready for our daily walk. I am dressing his 1 year old sister and he doesn’t want to put his shoes on. So I get nervous and he cries.

There is no excitement for the adventure ahead of us. There is no joy of spending time together. He is crying, I am angry and she is about to cry too.

It’s late summer. I like this time of the year. It’s not so hot anymore. Whole world is in full bloom, a little tired but still beautiful. Turning slowly into autumn, into wise reflection about what happened in the passing season.

Walking finally with my kids in a double stroller I have time to think. I should be happy. I have all I’ve ever dreamt of. I have kids, a family of my own, I have a life. Who would have thought your dreams can ever come true?

To be honest, the crying makes me frustrated. Recently, it frustrates me even more. I just have no patience for it anymore. 

I know I shouldn’t be angry when they cry. It’s just how they communicate. But I cannot find any empathy these days. And I feel ashamed of reacting like that.

I want love, joy and fun with my kids. I want to show them the world and be proud of their discoveries. I want to feel calm and relaxed with them. 

I want to be proud of myself too, the way I raise my kids with joy, learning new things about them and listening to their needs. 

It feels like the more I try to be a good mother… the more I want to be calm and relaxed and just enjoy the time with my kids … the more I am stressed out. 

At that time I was struggling with exhaustion from a lack of sleep. I was with my kids 24/7 the whole summer. 

I had no job, waiting for my husband to come home late from his job so I could go grocery shopping late evening. 

Surrounded by all those expectations from the “good friends” who never stopped sharing best parenting advice ever. Each of them was an additional expectation for me.

I was convinced that my only mission was to serve my children.

I wanted to make it all work for me and my family. I wanted to live up to all those expectations as well as my own ones to be able to consider myself a good mother. But I ended up sacrificing myself. 

It worked for a while. I remember moments of being happy as a mother. 

Holding those little children in my arms. Feeling proud of them. Really enjoying time together.

But around that late summer day, I realized I wasn’t well any more.

“It will not last forever, the kids grow fast” - I kept repeating to myself. 

I would keep putting myself, my needs and my life last. There was nothing more important than my kids, their health and happiness. Little have I known…

Have you ever felt like you’ve built a trap for yourself? And even if you know it you’d desperately try not to see it and enjoy every minute spent there?

I was afraid that I would start hating my life. It was a burnout. I thought it can only happen in corporate work. But here I was. 

How come you have to “do things” when you are a parent and not just enjoy this experience?

“I would really need a break, but what would my family do without me?”
“It’s not work when you raise kids, you shouldn't expect to have vacation from it!”
“You have to love your kids by sacrificing yourself for them, that’s your job now.”
- I heard in my head.

Were the voices right though?

It didn’t sound like me. I felt there was something else to parenting than that. 

“There must be some joy and happy moments too. It cannot go on like this …. just … STRAIGHT DOWN!”

With the last gasp of a clear thought I had this Eureka that maybe I needed help to figure it out as till now, I was failing immersively on my own. I didn’t know what to do. 

Do any of us know? 

You were raised to be strong and deal with challenges with your head up. You didn’t talk about troubles and you didn’t admit failing. You were forcing yourself forward every day.

But this life, I did not sign up for this. Feeling guilty all the time, losing patience and joy. I wanted to feel like what I did mattered for my family. I didn’t know I needed to matter for myself first.

It wasn’t an easy decision to do something about it. But I felt like that was my last chance.

So I reached for help and heard a diagnosis - depression.

I heard: “You are worth feeling like yourself again. Not to feel worried all the time. You are worth being listened to for a change.”

And … I started to fight for myself, for my parenthood and for my family.

That was a paradox.
From a mindset of “I don't have time to take a shower” I had to find time for therapy sessions to work out my depression.
From “I have no support from my husband, he has to work a lot” to handing kids over to him there and going to the 1.5 hour session.
From “I have no money to buy anything for myself” I had to pay for my therapy because it wasn't provided by the insurance.

When you hit the rock bottom you are forced to have time and money and find support you were lacking before. And you have to take care of yourself even just because you forgot to do it for a long time.

From what I know now, the way I lived and thought about parenting was a recipe for a burnout and even for a total disaster if I’d go on like that.

I forgot about myself and needed to be reminded. I needed to learn how to love myself to be able to fully love my kids. 

I started to put myself first to be able to take care of anyone else. 

I started getting up earlier and making myself breakfast even though I didn’t eat that early, to have anything proper to eat when I went on with my day with kids.

I started to take a walk by myself whenever I could leave my kids with anyone just to move my body and pump more blood to my brain.

And I found out the secret:

Self-care is not selfish, it’s the way to survive initially and to be strong, healthy and resilient forever.

Balance is not about doing everything half-hearted, it’s about doing the right things at the right time, checking out how it works for you from time to time.

Self-worth is an important thing that you need to teach your children not by sacrificing for them but by showing them how you value every person, starting from yourself.

I’ve learned it the hard way: You don’t have to do all to be a good parent. You just need to be good for yourself. 

The moment I regained my confidence and felt my self worth, that was the moment I started to build my balance. 

It wasn’t easy and felt odd and off for a long while. But I had to add myself to the equation and take care of what I needed, what I loved and what I wanted next to (or even before) my kids, family and home.

I got a great job, and started a new chapter of my life. I had less time for my kids obviously but I enjoyed spending the time I had with them more. I will never forget the pride in their eyes when I talked to them with passion about my new work. They really saw my excitement and shared it with me.

Having life on my own made me love them even more. And there was something new to that. I started to feel appreciated and that was a feeling I am embracing till today. 

Looking back, I didn’t understand what being a parent even was. 

Now, it is more about finding a way to be yourself in the role of a parent. 
Now, it is more about discovering you in a new role than just repeating other people’s patterns.
Now, it is about taking care of yourself even a little to be able to take care of your family.

Being the best parent you can be, you shape your life in a harmonized, balanced way that makes you strong and healthy and capable of taking care of yourself and anyone else while feeling good about it.

Turns out you have to fight for yourself to be strong for your kids.

If you know it’s time for you to be YOU … we have some work to do.

Let’s start by putting YOU first. Just like I did right after I hit the bottom so you don’t have to go through all the way down to start climbing up. 

And we’ll make sure you not only have time for yourself but you reach a balance in all your roles in your life. To enjoy your parenthood without pressing a pause on your life.

Ready? 
 

Grab my free video here and start the work towards your self-care in your parenting already today 
https://www.mindconfident.com/NiceParentScaryParent

On stage, I played instruments, I sang, I danced. I performed solo, in a group, once even with an orchestra. I was on stages big and small, in Poland and Europe. I conducted concerts, classes, lectures, music lessons for children, teenagers and parents.

 

But in my current job, I've learned that public appearances are not only related to big stage and/or lots of eyes looking at you and listening to you. We have many situations similarly important to us in our work and daily live. These are the situations in which we feel others' eyes on us and hear our own voice slightly different and we are thinking of how they are hearing and receiving our words. It can be speaking up in a discussion, presenting your idea at a company meeting, job interview or even a coffee break conversation with a person important to you.

 

My experience in dealing with stress during public appearances and working with my voice, breath and body helps me in challenging professional situations as well as in situations I just want to be heard and understood. I'll gladly show you what's been working for me for last 30 years and I will support you in finding ways that are effective for your public speaking situations - both small and more formal ones.